Psalm 23: 2-3

The LORD is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.  In green pastures you let me graze; to safe waters you lead me;  you restore my strength. You guide me along the right path for the sake of your name.

In reflection on this weekend, also being Good Shepherd Sunday, I must admit how true this Psalm is for me.  At Mass on Sunday the choir used Marty Haugen’s composition of Psalm 23 for the Responsorial Psalm and it just struck me so much.  It uses a different spin on the Psalm and really just hit me and became my prayer.  There are so many things right now; distractions, temptations, etc. that are keeping me living is a spirit of Lent.  I don’t think I have fully accepted Jesus Resurrection yet.  It’s not that I don’t believe He is alive…more that I haven’t embraced His resurrection as my own. 

There are things in my life that I want and can’t have or won’t have.  On my recent home visit I was so excited to be home, and to see my friends.  There was this excitement and joy that raced through my body as I saw them come toward me and it elevated my soul.  We talked all night just about.  Not about one thing in particular, but many things.  Some asked me questions about my vocation, about my beliefs, what I’ve learned and what I’ve expereinced…how I got here and how I was able to come to terms with leaving everything behind.  It really is such a difficult decision to choose between two ultimately GOOD things.  My soul was filled as I shared with them what I have encountered, what my journey has been like and how I’ve grown.  During these conversations my eyes where open so many times.  Realizing in those moments that what I was saying, was truly what I needed to hear myself and it was as if God was using my own words to re-affirm my own vocation and my calling.  It felt so great, so energizing.  I felt re-charged as I sat there and stared at the open land, feeling the cool breeze brush against my face, knowing that God was there beside me.  It’s so much easier to identify with a Good Shepherd when I’m in a field and can imagine grazing and being led along the path.  The field can be so many places for me (in this instance it was literally a field) but it was also the field in which I worked for so long…Jornadas, my parish, my family.  Those known fields in my life are easier to go back to and work in again and again.

It was hard to come back to California…not that I didn’t constantly think about my community or companions, or the work we’re doing.  They were always on my mind.  It just surprised me that upon coming back I did not encounter the same loving recieving as I did on my visit, nor did I greet everyone and everything with the same joyful emotion bursting from within.  It was as if my spark was smothered by the memory of each moment with those I love.  There was such joy and peace in each encounter, and it was the exact opposite coming back.  So, when I heard this Psalm sung, it truly is my prayer, as if God was speaking directly to my heart and soul…saying, “let me guide you, and I will bring  you out of this.  I will take you from this state of death into life, my life. Trust in me and I will give you the strength you need to continue to follow my path.”  It was a great moment of consolation and peace followed by the greatest example of Love, the Eucharist. I pray that God may be my all! My Good Shepherd!

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This video is my lenten prayer. 

My lenten journey is one through the desert, seeking, hoping, waiting.  Into the silence I go, deep into the solitude of my soul, where Christ dwells is pure love.

In reflecting on this I dwell on the many relationships that I have had (not romantic, but on an inter-personal level) and how they have each helped me to grow spiritually, and in my relationship with God.  I have  had some relationships/friendships, which did not really lead me toward God per se in the moment, but in the long run they have helped me to establish a deeper relationship with God.  They brought me back to Him through mistakes, pain and suffering. Thank you to those “friends” and acquaintances.  I have also been blessed with rarely large number of very good friends (more like family to me) who have challenged me, and helped to illuminate areas and moments of my life, otherwise dampened by the bitter twang of worry and fear.  I have been blessed with so many people who have shared their stories with me, in honesty and openness and have transformed my life by their powerful witness to the gospel; even if unintentionally.

I have come up with a new resolution for this new year and in trying to put it into practice, discovered some amazing insights into my own self and also God.

Resolution:  Imitate Mary–especially in her

1. Pondering
2. Listening
3. Responding (vs. reacting)
4. Letting Go and Letting God (otherwise known as obedience to the will of the Father)

I have chosen this order because I feel one will help me to lead to the other.  Pondering and Listening go hand in hand, but in pondering–especially the Word of God–my mind and intentionally, my whole being will be centered in the Word and firmly rooted in Christ.  I will have His example to guide me on a more personal and relatable level.  Listening; not only to God, but to others especially.  I feel like I don’t do that enough.  Responding really takes effort and the ability to fully comprehend the situation and choose which direction I would like to go in.  Also, it will help me to love more charitably and honestly.  The last one is the most difficult for me, but God willing, the other three will help me strengthen this one and bring it back to being what God intended it to be:  a natural part of my being; in relation to Him, which brings true freedom.

This is what I’ll be working on…not to say I won’t make mistakes, mess things up, or have failing moments, but I hope that each portion of my resolution will help me to strengthen my relationship with God and discern His will for my life more clearly and in light of His truth.

Ay, there is still so much to do before our “Come and See” retreat in 2 weeks.  We have a number of girls coming to visit, and I pray that they may be enlightened by the Holy Spirit and touched by the lives of the Sisters as I have been so many times.

I know this is a short update, but something better than nothing!

All of my Aspirant year, as well as the beginning of my Postulancy has been a journey, with God, of self discovery in the context of religious life, but more basically within the context of vocation…what is God calling me to do with my life.  This year has been very blessed, for many reasons and has truly shown me many facets of myself, which I had never taken the time to understand profoundly.  I learned that I am a 2 on the Enneagram (if that means anything at all, since it is just an indicator and not a concrete state of being) and that there are still many areas of my life where God is calling me to begin and also continue the process of healing.   Through God’s grace I have also come to understand that time and openness to God’s grace is what will allow me to give myself to Him in the young and the poor.

I would like to end this post (mostly because of the time) with a meditation taken from the Maginficat on Tuesday October 26th

“The Seed of Supernatural Life”

In the meantime, the only thing that I can see that will help you is to learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, to be kind to yourself, by looking outwards to God, by accepting the fact that you are infinitely loved by Infinite Love, and that if you will only cease to build up notions of the perfection you demand of yourself, and lay your soul open to that love, you will cease to fear, and you will cease to be exhausted as soon as you stop fighting one part of yourself with another.  I can only pray for you and beg you to turn your face to this immense love and power and cast all your fear on to it.  You should try to realize that in you is the power, strength, and love of Christ, that you can carry all that darkness and not go under, if you realzie that it isn’t you but he who will cary it; also if you will try to realize thatin you Christ lives his risen life, that he has already overcome death…if you will only realize that, you will soon be conviced that you will also come right up through the darkness into the light…try to believe that life is in you like a seed, pushing, striving, struggling up to light.  Instead of fighting yourself, let this seed of supernatural life fight its way out through darkness, just as ordinary seed fights up through the darkness and heaviness of the hard, frozen earth.

Caryll Houselander

Today in mass, reflecting on Fr. Joe’s homily and the image of the Eucharist and some of the new words we will be using in the Liturgy this Advent, I had a vivid image in my mind.  (I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the movie Joshua, based the book, of a modern-day Jesus; my image is something similar to one in the movie…but not the same.) 

I was reflecting on my own broken ness, how, if I were a beautiful glass vase, it would have been broken on the floor into millions of tiny pieces.  Each break/piece, represents my sins, my breaking away from God to do things “my way”.  The “vase of myself” gets more and more broken as I depend on my own faculties and negate the Grace of God present in each moment of my life and actions.  As broken as it  might be, as shattered and un fixable; God is always in control.  God, with ease and grace, picks up all of the shattered pieces, and as though they levitate between His open hands, HE forms them into their original shape.  Each piece is lead, not by His fingers (as we might put things together one at a time with our fingers) but levitating and simultaneously defying gravity to reclaim their shape.  I could use the image of seeing a crazy glue consistency rest gently between each piece, cementing them back together.  This isn’t crazy glue though, it is God in the Holy Spirit.    The Holy Spirit is what holds each piece together, delineating where each line of the cracks are which marks the broken ness of the vase.  Then all of a sudden I don’t see the cement that’s holding it together, but it flawlessly falls back into place with no fissures, or signs of previous cracks.  It is not only restored to its original shape and form, but has been transformed into a more resplendent and magnificent vase.  It’s form seems to have new meaning and intensity, as each curve and surface embraces its purpose within the whole of itself.  It is not only a vase within itself, but it has been transformed by God, and the whole being of the vase is full and surging with God’s presence making each better than before.

As this image replayed in my mind, I went up to receive the Eucharist.  Getting up out of my pew, leaving all of my broken ness behind, and processing towards Christ, who through the Holy Spirit, can put together the pieces of my vase and cement me back together, and in a profound way transform me so that I may be one with Him and He, one with me in all things.  So that as I walk out of the Church, my actions, motivations, and my everything may be led by Him, for Him and in Him always.  The whole image made me realize how real the transformation needs to be when I receive the Eucharist.  It isn’t JUST a  piece of bread, eaten for the sake of physical hunger, but it is CHRIST, taken and eaten for the sake of conversion and complete transformation; so that I may go out and be Christ for others, and they may come to know Him through me.  If my experience and transformation is not this concrete and drastic, then I am missing the whole reason for which Jesus left us the Eucharist. 

May the Holy Spirit continue to inspire us all, so that after receiving the Body and Blood of Christ, we may accept His call to transformation and redemption.

Now, I’m not perfect…none of us are, and we’re all working on a lot of things.  So, I’ll take it one step at a time, if  you will.

Wonderful books to read, if you get a chance… “The Wine in the Chalice”  it is the biography of Blessed Michael Rua, who I hope will be elevated soon.  As I read about his life, I am amazed at how he was able to not only follow Don Bosco, but to really embibe his spirit and way of life so completely.  His obedience was beyond extraordinary, and his austerity with himself extreme yet his kindness and gentleness and understanding for all was limitless.  I wonder what it would have been like to be in his presence.  Would he be like the Salesians today?  Would it be like eating dinner with the Western Provincial Fr. Tim?  I’ve never met Fr. Pascual, and I can only imagine how amazing and admirable a man he is…as the succesor of Don Bosco.

Another book, “I have chosen the poor”  the life of Sr. Theresa Valsé-Pantellini, is also another inspiring telling of her life as a Salesian Sister and her own living in radicality the beatitudes.

If you get the chance, I recommend reading either one before bed…they are AWESOME!

btw: I wrote my petition yesterday!!!!  Thanks for the prayers…it gets submitted on Wednesday, so keep up the prayers!

Along the lines of faith and trust…comes that wonderful taste of humble pie.  I’m learning to savor it, more and more, especially concerning my student loan debt.  Today I stuffed and addressed 80 envelopes with information, which the Laboure Society sent me, to help raise the funds.  It is a humbling process, to rely on God completely to move the hearts of the people that I am writing too (mostly friends, family, previous co-workers).  It’s such a vulnerable feeling, asking them for their donations of prayer and money, and coming to them because there is nothing that I can do for myself to pay it off.  I know these people, and I love these people, but it kills me inside to have to ask them to serve me, instead of being the one helping and serving them.  I guess it’s all part of God’s plan for me to learn fully the “dying to self” experience so that I can truly purify my vocation. 

I have the chance to re-write my petition, and I am so grateful for it.  I feel more equipped with sufficient insight and clarity of mind now than when I wrote it before.  Hopefully all will go well and I will submit it on the 8th of September.  Say a prayer!

“When you try to make an impression, that’s exactly the impression you make.”  Fr. Ted

“Novices/ those in formation look holy, but are not; middle aged religious and priests do not look holy, and they are not; and the elderly religious and priests do not look holy, but they are because they have purified themselves through their experiences over the years”.

DON BOSCO IS COMING SOON!!!!!!!!

My own reflection on the gospel of today, and what Fr. Antonio said was the image of a very large highway compared to a small dirt path worn into the grass through a foresty area.  I thought of how this dirt path, if take could be difficult to follow because of branches and animals and rocks (things which help you define where you are and how far you’ve gone)…but how it is a safe path, which would surely lead you towards your destination and also build up your character, strength and endurance as you follow it.  It occured to me, that it is when we (as humans) wish to make our trip easier that we pave this path over with concrete and asphalt, to make it more distinct from its surroundings.  Ultimately, this should be a good thing.  Yet, we are not satisfied by this one lane pavement, so we build a two lane road, and then the two-lane road becomes a 12 lane highway with overpasses and extremely dangerous and hard to reach exits and detours and tolls.  Soon, it’s not just a 12 lane highway, but it expands and reaches out as far as the eye can see, because we are such personal bubble people, we keep expanding and expanding, pushing the limits.  It comes to a point, when it is so hard to navigate directions on this highway that every way you turn looks the same.  There is no choice but to just stop in the middle of this vast sea of asphalt, wallowing in despair and a feeling of overwhelming failure.  One can no longer recognize anything as it all looks the same, and the good intention of making traveling this path easy and comfortable, goes out the window.

The same concept can be applied to sin.  Sin never starts out as something bad or unpleasing, it is a distortion of what is good and fulfilling.  We might think we are making life a little easier (luxury once in a while is good, but too often makes you forget to be grateful to God for what we have) but in reality we are hurting ourselves and those around us.  We’re just filling ourselves with a temporary filler, and cheating ourselves of what our being yearns for (the virtuous acts, which will lead us to God).  I know that it sounds like an unreachable concept, but in reality if we think about the things that bring us true pleasure it’s not hard to imagine.  When we seek relationships that bring us instantaneous gratification, we destroy our self-confidence, we crave and crave with no filling or lasting satisfaction, and damage ourselves in ways innumerable.  When we binge on things that society says will make us happy, we only find a temporary fix that doesn’t fill the void within us, but gives us a “dry mouth” of the soul.  I would compare the feeling of a sinful life to eating chalk rather than the bread of everlasting life.  Sure, if we eat chalk we won’t be hungry, but it will make us sick and even more hungry and thirsty.  Yet, the source of life-giving bread and water is everlasting and always sure to fill you to the brim.

My goal/challenge, is to reflect on what ways I’m cheating myself of true happiness and virtue by taking a short cut/paving the road.

Well, those are the thoughts for the day.  It’s been while since I had a reflextion this overwhelming (of my mind anyways), where God actually put me to think.  I hope ya’ll enjoy!